Lumbering mutant Canucks cheat to win (again)

Sunday's Ice Hockey World Championship final between Canada and Finland prompted me to dig up something I wrote after the 2004 World Cup of Hockey.

Lumbering mutant Canucks cheat to win

Yes, it's true. Friends, humankind's last line of defense against the ungodly Canadian hockey horde has failed. Canada's route to victory was shameful, paved as it was by favoritism, dumb luck, and sabotage. Frequently officiated by Canadian homer referees, Canada's games were an exercise in giving them all the breaks they could possibly get. And last night the evil Canadians tragically captured the World Cup of Hockey by defeating brave, plucky Finland undeservedly 3-2 in a sham of a final played at the soulless Air Canada Centre in disreputable downtown Toronto.

The odds were always stacked against the intrepid Finns. The abnormally musclebound Canadians played every single game in front of their rabid home audience, which consisted of perverted mounties, suspected lumberjacks, and various Celine Dion soundalikes. Favored by the organizers - hell, they were the organizers - unsporting Canuckistani power-brokers arranged that the games be played according to inferior North American rules in abnormally small rinks to favor the unskilled, slow, but frigging humongous Canadian hockey "players".

Even before the game began, the Canadians had fully justified their reputation as a nation of scumbags. The previous night Canadian hoodlums, allegedly hired by Team Canada figurehead Wayne Gretzky, set off the fire alarm at the hotel in which the Finnish squad was staying. Forcing the Finnish players out onto the street at 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. betrayed how frightened the Canadians were of being showed up in their own tournament. Perhaps their previous game against the Czech Republic - in which they scraped through despite an obvious skill-disadvantage due to help from referees Paul Devorski of Guelph, Ontario, and Stephen Walkom of North Bay, Ontario - had given the Canucks pause for thought.

The game itself featured one sublime piece of play, which occurred in the second period when Finland's brilliant Tuomo Ruutu hoodwinked three hapless Canucks before firing the puck past Martin Brodeur to even out the score at 2-2. This rightfully canceled out a fluke goal by Canada in which Scott Niedermayer's sloppy shot inexplicably got past the normally excellent Miikka Kiprusoff in Finland's goal. Alas, in the beginning of the third period Canada once again took the lead after a bad man-marking error from the Finnish defenders and never relinquished it, packing its own end for the rest of the game to grind out a result in a typically boring Canadian fashion.

Folks, the Canadian hockey player is a curious beast. These sluggish behemoths are isolated from their families as youths by the Soviet-style Canadian government. They're sent to well-guarded camps in the Canadian tundra where they wrestle on ice and hit each other with sticks while fat, white-haired men with red noses shout at them in the ugly Canadian dialect. Bred on a diet of moose meat, barley, little pink pills, and Timbits, they grow up to be dumb, sluggish, angry monsters with no concept of love, kindness, and the alphabet.

One only has to gaze at hulking, vicious numskulls like Joe Thornton and Shane Doan to realize that the current squad lives down to the stereotype. This army of 'roided-up automatons was backstopped by Martin Brodeur, famed in Canada for committing adultery with his sister-in-law, and led in attack by the veteran pairing of the loathsome Joe Sakic and the ancient Mario Lemieux, who was perhaps the only player in the team to have puck skills. Rumors abound that Lemieux obtained his stick-handling ability by sacrificing baby seals to Satan.

Fresh from their World Cup triumph, for their next move the new Canadian national heroes plan to deprive their country of NHL hockey due to their excessive greed.

A lot of it applies also to the tournament in Moscow, although an updated version would contain less complaints about home field advantage and more insults directed at Rick Nash.